It started snowing while we were sat on the sofa eating toast. Tentative white dust at first, then bigger and bigger flakes swirling and whirling.
“We must go outside!” I exclaimed. T looked at me affably, not sharing my enthusiasm but happy to go along with the plan. I gathered coats hats shoes scarves gloves and by the time we were wrapped in 1,000 layers I pronounced us fit to go out.
I opened the door and the snow came at us sideways. This was no Christmas card scene, flakes falling gently from the sky. I walked ten paces to the canal by which point we were both blinking the snow from our eyes and catching our breath in the wind.
I returned to the house for an umbrella, which helped somewhat, and we set off once more.
We completed a circuit of the small town. Feet crunching on fresh untrodden snow, more falling all the time. I stopped by the church to take a picture. T’s tiny face looked up at me with confusion, flakes on his hat and coat. I tried to explain “well, it’s winter, and this white stuff is snow…”
T looked cold and my hand holding the umbrella was tired. We tramped back the short distance to home. I discovered the reason for the heavier and heavier umbrella as soon as I closed it inside: a pile of snow hissed on the fabric as it fell swiftly to the floor.
I am extremely sociable. I’m not sure it’s a good thing to be so reliant on other people. One is supposed to be more self sufficient. I feel that I’ve read a lot recently about introverts, and their need to retreat from contact with people to recharge. However, I am the opposite. I recharge from being around people. Not necessarily a party, but a good group of friends with banter and jokes and comfort on a bad day.
I recently had an experience that was overwhelmingly amazing. It was 2 weeks of hard work with a great team of people. Always “on”, extremely tiring, but exciting. We were working together to create something wonderful. It didn’t always go perfectly, there were problems to solve, tension, stress and god awful tiredness. But overall it was a fantastic success, created by team effort.
And now it’s over. And I feel flat, and blue, and actually like my heart is hurting.
I’ve been thinking this morning and realised some things about myself. The contrast between the last weeks of being constantly surrounded by people, always busy and laughing so much and my own day to day life is too striking. I feel like my daily life is lacking in people. With family far away and a scattered community of friends, company time is scheduled in advance and too infrequent. And hugs, goddamit, how am I going to cope without constant casual physical contact? I’m spending too much time on my own. I could not cope with the intensity of the last 2 weeks all the time. Even someone as extroverted as me needs some down time. And sleep! Oh, the sleep.
I don’t have any answers yet. But thoughts are starting to percolate about ways I can invite some more of the good people stuff into my life, in a more balanced way.
This needs some further thought. In the meantime, coffee.